In Loving Memory of My Daughter's Daddy....who passed 2 years ago this weekend...

Two years ago today; I got up early and called a friend to send them to check on my daughter's father... Soon, my phone needed charging and I sent it out to the car for charging....By lunchtime; I was sitting at my desk, reading a REALNEO blog when a knock came upon my door. As I went to the door; it was a my father's childhood friend standing there solemnly. At first, I thought it was something wrong with my dad. Then, he said, "Call your dad," and started walking away rather quickly. I joined behind him to go to my car and get my phone. As I walked; I noted that my dad's friend's wife was sitting in their vehicle watching me with worry on her face...Her silent husband wouldn't say anything outside of "call your dad." So, as I powered up my phone to call my dad; it began ringing...and it was another mutual friend of the one I had called early in the morning calling my phone. So, I answered it without thinking anything bad... As I heard his voice come across the phone with tears saying, "Billy is gone...", the world began spinning around me....I immediately looked up into the upstairs window where my daughter was enjoying some fun with her friend and laughter was in the air from their innocent play. All I could think was...'she cannot see me get upset...I need a few minutes to process this before she finds out'---as I fell to the ground next to my dad's friend's truck and his wife hovered to ensure I didn't lose my cool....They already knew what was going on...and so did my dad who began blowing up my phone once it was powered up right behind the person notifying me of things. While I don't remember him saying much more at that point; I only remember being in shock and fading and falling to pieces inside...while the phone kept ringing from my dad on the other end; I took a breath and began hearing the notifying friend tell me that the police needed to talk to his "next of kin" and I had to get a hold of his family... For the next few moments; I sat on the ground, paced around the back of my garage and tried thinking through what to do as the day before-my vehicle transmission had blown out and I had no transportation to run out to an eastern suburb to react to this...Ultimately; I collected myself and went in the house....I ended up getting a hold of his sister's daughter and breaking it to her rather immediately as the cops were waiting for the next of kin while they "processed the scene..." No one had any answers yet...how? what happened? nothing....just "he's gone".... It was so unbelievable to imagine. It's been two years and the pain seems like it happened yesterday. I remember begging my neighbor to drive me out to his house (and lying to my daughter's friend's mom that I had to run to the store for an hour so that she didn't tell my child)...getting there and the cops refusing to let me see him even though he was still in the house...I understand; but part of me wanted to hug him, and say goodbye... There's no feeling in the world like watching your baby's daddy get hauled past you on a stretcher in a black bag and not being able to know what the hell has taken his life or what's going on... All the while all I could think was----my daughter just begged me to take her there the night before to visit her daddy and I did; but he wasn't home. He hadn't been answering his phone either; which was abnormal. Most significantly; he had not called us since Friday night. But beyond all that was my daughter saying on the trip to his house the night before; "Mommy, I am never gonna see my daddy again, am I?" Had she had a "premonition?" I will never know; but I believe that will haunt me forever because I thought she was just being "dramatic" and everything was relatively normal...Yet; the fact that he never answered his door or phone that night did lead me to call upon our mutual friend and send them looking for her daddy. No amount of baby daddy drama could void the love I had in my heart for that man...for I knew how deeply he loved our child more than words could say... I watched them grow together. I was there for 7 years....dealing with everything in between...and for this to happen then was far beyond most people's capacity to comprehend my position on matters. You see; he was an alcoholic and he had decided to get clean... The Sunday before this; he had went to Huron Road Hospital to get in the only uninsured program there was available in town for a medical detox. Yet, they sent him home without meds or hospitalization-knowing that he had a heart condition in addition to the alcoholism... By Friday-he had been sober for almost a week... But by Monday; he was found dead and had probably died over the weekend considering he hadn't made calls on Sat or Sunday to his pride and joy; our daughter. After 11 challenging years of rollercoast rides with him and his addictions-he had finally got it in his head to get clean so he could be healthy for his child....and it killed him..... In the time after his death; I heard it all...to include my child was too young to remember her daddy and she'd forget him... Well, I am still wiping her tears and reacting to her "I miss my daddy" moments. Tonight; I will say that I do miss that man....and the love he shared with our child. Soon; many were bewildered to realize how much we had shared despite the drama in between as parents with our child... Yes, amidst the fighting-we shared many fond memories...rare treasures that no amount of money can buy... Tonight; I ache inside thinking about this loss. I remember it all with love and humility... for my child shall forever know how much he loved her despite his sickness. So many of her amazing attributes were cultivated by his love, his endearing fatherly involvement, and by his love for arts and nature. As I watch my child enjoying a life of entimology-I see him reincarnated in each new insect she studies. Her innocent smiles and amazed excitement are priceless treasures that help endure me through the ages of time....